29

 

There's something about turning 29, as un-believable as that may be for me, it means I'm almost and close to thirties. Just wow! Time is really going by too fast, and it's just so crazy to even believe it. As usual, I've been on whirlwind of emotions for the past few weeks, I've always mentioned how somewhere between mid to end of October, I just get emotional and start reflecting on a lot of things and this time, there's so much to say but at the same time I don't and really no idea on how to gather my thoughts. But I will try my best!

With hindsight, I look back on the past decade and I can't put it to words but just jump back into a memory lane and think of what the past 8-9 years have been like for me. I think of my twenties as an age of growth and learning, it was in my 20's when I started University, well that was at 19 but still, I spent my early twenties at University, and that was almost a decade ago when I started, I was immature, and maybe full of dreams but along the way, I faced lots of challenges and a door of fears and insecurites was opened, if I think about those four years now, there's lots of mixed emotions, lots of tears, but also lots of bravery because despite all, I kept going. 

I reminisce those days, those years, as the best golden years of my life, maybe? What I lived, what I have experienced, I will never know to even describe it, because there won't be words that will be enough, you just have to live it, and I lived all of it, without understanding much, questioning absolutely every single thing and situation and it was something I didn't know clearly or understand but ten years fast foward to now, I can understand some things, I can look back at it as something so special and yes, I'm still talking about my days as an undergrad student, so it will be always be a part of me but above all, I'm thankful for that journey, and what a journey let me tell you but that's how it was supposed to be like, that's what God had in store for me and even if back then, I didn't understand and asked so many why's, now I can 'somehow' understand and many of those questions have been answered already.

Another half of my twenties, have been unemployed, I don't like that word so I like to say that I have been in undefinite vacations. I have talked freely about that, sometimes I used to feel ashamed because of that, but now, I don't and like I said, this is my journey, and what I had to experience and live, so those years were not a waste of time, because I kept studying, but also I spent this time with my loved ones and I treasure every single one moment with them, some who are not longer with me today, but I appreciate this and never take it for granted. It's also a time where I became closer to God, I've always been closer to Him, but this time it was like reinforcing that relationship, and where I also learned so much doctrine, I don't really write or talk much about religion and/or politics, but I've never denied my Faith or Christian identity, so for that, those years haven't been in vein, on the contrary they were of so much help to finally become the woman I wanted to be and that I'm slowly becoming HER, all thanks to God.

I know that if I look back to the day I turned 20, I have changed a lot and I'm not longer, the same one i was, even in one year ago or even beginning of this year, a lot can happen, it did but again, as human we're constantly growing, evolving. changing, making mistakes and learning from them and it was this year, around mid-August that I started noticing slightly but small changes in me as a person, one that whenever I'd look at the mirror, I wouldn't recognize myself, I would be shocked because I felt different and I know there was a difference in me but I couldn't tell exactly what it was, I still don't know but I just think of it as if I've matured as  a person, I noticed that I was getting closer to being that woman I always dreamed of and prayed for and finally I was seeing all of it become a reality in my life and not longer a dream, or a mere thought. 

Also, the way, I think or reasonate, at some point got me astonished, however those changes came with new responsabilities and whatnot, a wardrobe change, this last, I'm not sure, I don't think I have learned my lesson yet but I don't seem to find an style that suits me or better yet, one that portraits me best, that says this is Melissa, this is who I am, but I'm slowly getting there and this part gets me emotional because this is when I think of younger Melissa and sometimes I ask myself what she would think of all of this, I can think of her right now, but younger Melissa as a kid, thought lots of things and was such a dreamer, she still is but now she has her feet on the ground and has more knowledge so, maybe it's time to write to her now but before that, there's something I would also like to say:

I'm thankful to God for another year of life, for all the changes and lessons, for being my Strength, Refugee, that rock where I hide myself, those arms that hug me when I feel most vulnerable and that younger Melissa shows up and feel like the smallest creature in the world.  I will let God surprise me one more time, in this new year, May everything be the way He’s planned it for He knows what’s best for me. Like as usual, I don't have much to look forward to, because I'm never in the mood, months prior to my birthday I may get too excited but then, on the actual day I may not be. So, it's like me constantly battling with my own feelings, but it is what it is, and this shouldn't come as surprise. 

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A letter to my younger-self

Dear Mely,

Happy birthday cutie pie!!! ✨

Hello from the future, today you're turning 29!!! I know, I know, that's a lot and I remember how you were so scared of getting old but also excited for your twenties but the idea of turning thirty seemed shocking and quite far off, but at the same time, you thought of it as an age and time where you would probably have achieved a lot of things as well as it would take you many years to get there. And now, it is just on the horizon, the thirties are literally breathing down my neck as I write you this. 

I will keep it short, but let me tell you, that you're a fashion designer, I know, you never thought of becoming one but that's what God had in store for you, you love photography, you've regretted some of your past choices and mistakes, but hey, don't worry, you learned from them. You have a beautiful and sincere heart, I have come to realize about it but believe me when I tell you, that whatever thought or something that comes from the heart, it's not from grown-up Melissa but you, I feel like you never left my side at all, you just grew up, look different but you're always there, when I'm at my lowest, it's like you take over me and I feel like a kid once again, so I keep you in a very special spot deep in my heart, when I think of our common and shared dreams, I'm surprised by your attitude and maturity and how you were a girl who always knew what she wanted and the reasons why you wanted such things and because of that, once all those dreams become a reality, you'll be the first one to enjoy them to the fullest, I'll make sure you're part of that too! 

Lately, I've been thinking about you and when I came across these thoughts (this and this) I was reminded on how you had lots of dreams and kind of your life figured out (career, jobs, even family), but girl, sorry to dissapoint you ¿? none of that have happpened yet as you thought it would or in the order you wanted it to, God really had/has different plans for you, that it even took some time to learn this lesson and I learned it for you at 28, but nothing to be sad or dissapointed because at 29, you've matured and you have learned why this happened the way it has and later in the future another version of us will be able to share it with us too. You were little and you just didn't know much or understand the magnitude of things, but nothing to be sad about, on the contrary, you would even admire how brave you and I both have been.  I know that from an early age, you have been very understanding of situations and things that have happened around you, so, because of that, I know you'll be very understanding of this but also you'll deposit your trust in God and also me, because you'll get what you deserve and it all comes from God for He knows what's best for you.

Don't forget you're always in my thoughts, and once again, I will make sure you're part of those experiences once they become a reality. I know you're here but at the same time you're not, but still I wanted to wish you a happy birthday too! You've made it and the countdown starts about now for your 30's. So, don't be scared anymore! I'll make sure to make the most out of this last year in your twenties!

With love, 🩷

Your future self. xx