A Letter to 2021

Sitting in the solitude of my room whilst being home alone and as I look through the window and take a peek at those fluffy cotton-like clouds and seem to enjoy this chill December weather, I keep on thinking how to write this post, which I have written, erased, written and erased it all over again and still, I can not fully seem to express myself the way I want to. This is a post that I have always written since I can remember, maybe for about 10 years since I first time started blogging, it is the perfect time for me to reflect on how the year went like. Usually this back-on reflecting period starts whenever my birthday is coming (around Nov.) and that is when I start looking upon past experiences, reflecting on what I did/ did not, what I achieved or what I could have done better, etc., and I know I am not the only one to do this. 

At some point everything starts looking almost the exact same thing, and pretty much familiar to me plus, in life there will lots of ups and downs, smiles and laughter as well as lots of tears, that's just how life it is and how it speeds on, and yes, sure it also goes on., and this year was no exception, some things looked familiar whilst there was things that felt brand new for me.

I will start by saying that it was only around mid to almost end of 2018, that I started appreciating even more my time with my loved ones and it is not that I never did it, because if there's one thing I have done is spending more time with my family than I would do with "friends", the pandemic came in 2020, a time where I even appreciated my time the most with loved ones and somewhat made us get even closer as a family, then 2021 started and that's how if I look back from the very beginning a lot of things have happened ever since. 

"The beginning of the new year": 

As many, I started off the year by being positive and hopeful, thinking it would be a good year. However, before I finish this writting you'll see whether it was good or not, but I should also mention that somewhere around mid-January, I joined this cool group and I got to meet (online) the most beautiful people from all across the world, learning about different cultures and such and languages were not a barrier for any of us, we would even have Zoom meetings every Wednesday. For once, I felt like I found and had at least something in common with people, because to be honest, that rarely happens, plus I am not this type of social person either, I got closer to some of them and that's where friendships started blossoming. It was all good back then.

They say: "Expect the unexpected" but I truly was not expecting this to happen:

Everything was perfect at that time, yet it was in May that I lost both my great-grandma (May 2nd) as well as my grandma (May 10th) from mom's side. My grandma´s passing affected me in ways that it's still hard for me to even explain what I exactly feel or even how I felt, the following months I was succumbed to a sadness that gnawed at me, every night I would cry to sleep in the solitude of my room, I would wake up the next day and immendiately would look forward to the night so I could cry some more, it was depressing yet understanding, I lost two beautiful woman in the span time of literally a week and I was so in shock yet out of all the family members that have already passed away, it was my grandma's that made me feel this way. Now seven to almost eight months later, after her passing and I still keep thinking this time it was just distinct. 

I did try everything I could possibly do and shake myself off, I knew and could understand clearly the whole grief situation yet at the same I did not want to cry or feel sad anymore, I kept telling myself that what happened was just the cherry on top and that there was also a lot more behind it, I could not comprehend what it was exactly but never in my life I experienced grief like this, it just hit differently. I slowly started finding my own happpiness, and letting go, obviously taking my own time, but truest truth is that it was not easy, it will never be, at the same time, I lost contact with a friend and somehow I felt alone at that time but I knew my happiness or well-being couldn't rely on someone else but me. Of course, I never stopped messaging her and to be honest that really helped me a lot back then because I had place to go to where I would just vent and now, we have since keep in touch again. 

I also got happy that church finally re-opened and my family and I started going back again, I feel like the moment I stepped in everything was gone, from worries, to sadness to absolutely everything, I was happy again. But that "happiness" did not last long. . . I had days where I would think about grandma or things that would remind me of her, like songs and such and once again I was digging deep myself into that dark hole of sadness that I knew was not going to do any good to me, except this time 'round I knew what to do and how to control my emotions and feelings and that it was also okay to cry if I needed to.

Overcame my fears or at least I tried to even if that meant being scared of them too

This may even sound weird but to be honest I really hate making phone calls or answering calls from unknown numbers, but what I'm trying to say here is that since the pandemic started I've been in the lookout for jobs, occasionally and with no pressure on myself, I've sent my resume twice this year but then again, one call I missed it or maybe they never called me and the other one I did missed it on purpose. Oopsie...

When I send my CVs I am always happy and very optimist but then I start doubting of myself, my skills, and even knowledge and absolutely everything, and there's this thought of I can do it but also I can't do it, and if I were to put that in a scale, it would be even. So after what could of have been succesful, I was happy that at least I tried plus it's been a way for me to understand and know which route I want to go to, and at the same time as a way for me to overcome my fears, because even hitting the send button is whole overthinking process for me, so yes, there's been progress, a little but there's been some.

This is like my own everyday battle with my own insecurities, but I will take my own time, I slowly get to learn from mistakes and again, I will try not to put that much of a pressure on myself. One thing I do know for sure is to work harder on this! 

A year older - A new me; in every sense of the word!

Months went by, and I started feeling better and then my birthday was just approaching, I wanted to do something different this year, it's considered to be "normal" among my family members that I always either wakeup in a bad mood or change plans at the very last minute and/or I don't feel like doing anything, I seriously have never liked the idea of birthday celebrations, but that's how a day or two before it, I said to myself that things would give a 180° turn and it would change from now on, because I did not want to regret my choice plus also felt like I didn't want to be nor spend that day at home. So, I treated myself to get a lash lifting and brow threading (I will share my experience on another post if you'd like to know more about it full in-depth) after that, I also invited my family to a nice meal for lunch, and never in my life I was so happy, I wanted to do both things yet treating myself is something that I keep telling to myself until today that I really deserved it, I was saving my money for it and I did it.  

And just like I mentioned it before, it is always around my birthday that I get this sort of nostalgia and start reminiscing on things, I knew for a fact that the coming weeks wouldn't be the best or easiest nor for my family or me. I also was getting sick of social media, long story short, I call it the little happy accident, because after going on a massive unfollow spree, my account got blocked and later on I found it got dissabled so that only meant one thing, spend less time on social media. I spent two entire weeks only focusing on myself, I dare to say I've been happier ever since, I've been able to focus and understand my feelings, emotions, and what does good or not to me. 

This all came and was part of my birthday wish, because I always used to worry/care about others and put them first and would put myself aside and only sometimes I wouldn't care or worry much about me or my feelings, as long as the people I love were happy I was happy too but with this small changes I have done and been through, I'm the happiest now and I feel good about it. I slowly got to be back to my normal self, months went by without me smiling and if I did, it was never a real smile I meant. I feel happy, I feel like a new me. 

A time to reflect and simply let go

During that social media break/cleansing/detox, I was dealing with experiences from the past too from many many years ago, I was not holding any grudge or hate towards people but I simply wanted to press a button and delete such things from both mind and heart and let go of it all, and this time off really served its pruposed, I was focused more on myself, enjoying the smallest things in life and having something to look forward to each day. I finally could cut ties from the past that were keeping me away from moving forward, I have learned one more time to forgive, forget and simply move on. 

Today's just a bittersweet day, and probably will never be the same again

I felt really anxious about this day finally coming and having gained the strength I needed, one thing I knew long before was that from now on every Dec the 31st will be somewhat bittersweet, because it was the day my grandma was born, it was the day where we all would gather as a family and spend time with her for her birthday and then just wait until the clock marked 00:00 to say Happy New Year to each other but from now on, it will never be the same... Writing this part right here, I feel this huge lump in my throat and I am trying to find composure as I'm bawling my eyes out. . . This was the day that I didn't want it to come but that has finally come and that I also wanted it to come but just want it to be over already and just as I slowly gave up on things, feelings as well as let go of them all, this is a time to finally close a door, end of a cycle, flip through the last page of 2021 book, store it in a vault and keep it locked, so here I write my last words for 2021. . .

A letter to 2021

I fall to short to convey into words 2021 but if I could describe this year, I would say it was a sum equally to 50/50, while it feels a tad bit bittersweet to say what it's going to be our last goodbye, I look with eyes full of hope to a new bright and future ahead, I've prepped myself and I can tell I'm ready to welcome the new year, and somehow I feel excited for what it's about to come which is the promise of new beginnings and the unknown., and having going through a lot this year, I will consider as well the "expect the unexpected", good or bad, I am ready!

Undeniably what happpened cannot be reverted other than to accept it and after what it was some of the darkest days / months of my life, I cannot emphasize only on it, because I am beyond thankful not only for the bad but also the good,  of course, I wish I could of have done so much more but it was what it was, lessons were learned, people came and left, friendships sprout like flowers when I feel like I needed it the most, bright days came in feeling like rays of sunshine that left me seeing sparkles afterwards, small outing trips here and there and not so very often felt very healing to my soul, discovered new ways to find and get back to my normal self, learned to be "out with the old, in with the new" by forgiving, and forgetting, having each day to spend it with my family and it got us closer plus it is one of the things I will never take for granted, through thick and thin we've been there for each other. I've been blessed enough with a countless of blessings just like the fact of waking up each day being alive, being able to open my eyes and breathe and face a new day for 365 days. And while still some things didn't come out as planned nor happened, I am thankful for it all. 

This love-hate relationship with my career starts fading out, and it's mostly just pure love as of lately, it was a time for me to also overcome my fears and what not insecurities, too, or at least try to but slowly through baby steps I'm getting there as well. The break I had for myself, I learned to look at the bright side and since they were the best weeks of my life, I'm going to keep on striving to make the best and most out of my days with no regrets, and living every single day with so much peace and less worries without mortifying myself, but above all with a huge smile on my face because that's what caracterizes my persona.  

Some people will never be with me physically, but I have the memories I can hold onto forever, until my very last breathe, it is at this time where I feel beyond thankful I haven't gotten a job yet, because of all these moments I've collected and treasured so far will never be replaced nor would I have gotten to experience it the same way I have done so far, so yes, I'm thankful somewhat for it too. 

There's been also personal growth whilst I'm a mortal, still human being, making mistakes yet strive to learn from them and I've been also a work in constant progress I have seen how much I have changed, maybe it did not look like it at first, but as time went by and I kept on looking back, there's been changes, for the good and I am proud of the woman I am becoming and want to become. 

So, while this year, like any other year, had its ups and downs, I'm beyond thankful for this one, even if a lot went on, I am thankful for it all, happy for those who were part of my 2021 as well. I have nothing left to say other than thank you 2021, thank you for the good, the bad, for absolutely everything. I already look forward to 2022 and I'm looking at it with different eyes, full of hope and dreams. 

PS: To my lovely readers, I know I didn't blog much this year, I apologize but I hope this new year I can come back here more often, I had a few posts planned for this year but as you can see a lot went on, so I will post and share them this 2022, because I truly missed blogging so much, especially writing, I'll put my focus to convey my thoughts in a more in depth and personal level, because I have a lot to share and writing is my way of letting it all out! Once again, thank you for reading, following, supporting me for 10 years already! I wish you all nothing but the very best! Happy New Year! Stay safe!

With Love, xx

Melissa